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Jul. 26th, 2018 | 07:38 am

If for some reason you found yourself here, know that anything you find here was written in real time, with a context and a mood.

Είστε ένα από τα λίγα φώτα στη ζωή μου αυτή τη στιγμή και εσείς είστε σημαντικό για μένα. Με κάποιο τρόπο, σε αγαπώ. Αλλά αυτό δεν σημαίνει ότι περιμένω το ίδιο από εσάς. Εφόσον είμαστε τόσο σεβασμό και αλήθεια, αυτό είναι αρκετό για μένα.

Hope it’s not lost in translation.

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(no subject)

Jun. 19th, 2019 | 02:47 pm

Most decisions aren't as important as you think they might be, but some are. A friend of mine had a burn out and disappeared for months. Seriously, life quality matters as long as you are living it. I see so many people around me struggling in a very middle-class, millenial fashion but nevertheless these struggles are real. I have never starved, so I don't get to complain, but things did change and we have been grown to try much harder.

I don't know, it's hard for me to put my finger on it. As opposed to my parents' time, it feels like our struggles are self-imposed, and therefore, lack the legitimacy to be considered real problems. Like, it's us who choose to work hard, to postpone many areas of our lives, to live under stress, to be malnourished and to be sleep deprived. It all sounds so avoidable - just millenials being fucking millenials. But it's sorta like telling an anorexic person to just go and eat. I think somewhere along the way, our reward system or whatever has been subject to some real fucked up distorsion and it's both really hard to restructure it and really hard to figure out how to restructure it.

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My new shrink gives me homework

Jun. 16th, 2019 | 11:59 pm

In my pursuit for better mental health and whatever, I started writing on a real notebook.

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(no subject)

Jun. 5th, 2019 | 01:50 pm

Words don't flow out of my fingers anymore. When you lose the ability to articulate and express yourself, you can be sure you also lose the ability to properly process and think about the world.

I guess I could do with trying to be happier. Lately, I find myself stopping midtext to realise that I am complaining about something. In those moments, I quickly flick to the iphone notes and write - stop complaining. This note has many, many entries. I guess it comes down to the same feelings, materialised in different ways.

Uncertainty, restleness, self-doubt.

I still want fame and glory (well, in a very non-standard academic way). If I think about the future, I would be happy being in a place, longterm, doing research. I changed these past years. I find myself often wanting to be alone - out of people's sight. I don't like myself very much. I get angry lately. I get angry at things that do not matter, and I find myself saying 'you should be rational'. I want to be happy. I feel like I have nothing to share to the world anymore. If I'm not excited about things, how can others be excited about my stuff? Everything I do is so painfully amateurish and irrevelant.

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(no subject)

May. 14th, 2019 | 11:22 am

There's no way to escape that in reality you are totally alone. You ought to live for yourself and do it for yourself (I guess until you have babies?). So, live for yourself.

Am I living for myself? I feel like I am not really a living thing these days. And I sort of don't want to live - and I type this as my friend, for over a month, battles for his life in a hospital in some rural village. I feel like a piece of shit, for not appreciating that I am a healthy individual.

I am half arsed trying though. I definitely think about trying to be less sad. I restarted on wellbutrin this morning. I know the drug quite well - no tappering off, quite effective from the first time you take it. I stopped because 150mg was not working anymore and I didn't want to increase the dose. My sleep scientist friend says it's basically an amphetamine-like substance. I'm cool with that. I look fine, I look less lost, I look happier, people tell me. I feel like I keep sinking in a hole but getting better at acting. Or maybe, I am indeed doing well, but I am too used to being sad. It doesn't matter, it still feels pretty bad though. People don't see the hours I spend in bed crying or the xanies I often take to sleep or to stop being dramatic.

I remember one of Jordan Peterson's talks, where he says he decided to stop saying things he knows are not true. I think about this more and more often. How do I know?

It made me sad that a friend of mine, whom I have know for over 3 years, stopped replying to me as soon as I mentioned I felt suicidal. It makes me sad that a good friend of mine doesn't want to hang out anymore. I feel unimportant and irrelevant. I think I need to work on myself. I wish I could rely less on external people to love me, and could just love myself more.

I don't know if I am complicated or not, with respect to other people, but I think I might be. I open up at innapropriate times and with lots of memes and jokes, to the point I think people think I am mostly kidding. I act strong and determined. I feel like many people know me first as the funny loud person, and then advert their eyes when they realise I am really nothing like the person I put out to the world. Vulnerability is portrayed as a positive trait in pop culture, but in reality, I think it's just a nuisance. Nobody got time for that shit. Everybody has their own shit. Does everyone have this huge mismatch? How do I close the gap?

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fiction that has been floating in my head

Apr. 30th, 2019 | 03:55 pm

It's not easy to be a monster, do you know that? Not like, a monster that motivates their evil actions on some greater good, think of the soldiers of the SS. No, nothing to do with ideology. It's hard to be a monster and accept you are a monster. Think of crime and punishment, the overwhelming guilt of murdering someone. Raskolnikov was not a monster. He wanted to be a monster, but he wasn't.

But I am. I know I am evil. And it's not easy, to look yourself in the mirror, comb your hair perfectly, and know that you are absolutely evil, without using a pretext of ideology, of religion, of some utilitarian bullshit justification.

Only when you can take a puppy and slap it for no reason, and keep doing it, without feeling any remorse to stop, and you choose to not do it, that's when you know you are truly good. How can you say you are good, if you are not able to being evil? That's a question I thought about for a long time.

When my wife left me, and lied to everyone, and smeared my name, took our children and my dignity, knowing precisely what she was doing, that's when I understood, I had never been a good person. I never chose to be good. I had no alternative, back then.

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Pushing through

Apr. 12th, 2019 | 12:28 pm

I have been telling myself these days that it's time to let go. I am tired of being the person trying so hard for things which don't bring me pleasure.

But I am happy I try hard - like just now, I insisted with a professor to get a visitation and now we are converging to a good proposal, and hopefully a sucessful application. Like, I try hard with my publications, I write them without people asking me to, I start doing research in topics I find interesting and I push through the literature, I push hard, I try. I push through conferences, through organizing events, doing stuff that in the end I am happy I did, although it was tiring and stressful as fuck - and this is all worth it. I am happy I try to stand up and be active, try to define my way.

But with other things, I am really not good. Like mental health, I give up very quickly. This is something I should push through. I emailed some psychiatrists and I have to say, Zurich is quite shitty for this. Nobody replies, or if they do, they are often fully booked and don't offer much of a choice. It quite sucks. The university service has also ignored my attempt to reschedule the hour they proposed for me. But ok, I will try. I will push through, given them a call. Pills don't work? Well, maybe I try different ones, this time. Gotta push through, get this mental shit sorted.

And lastly, I push through people as well. But right now, I find myself not wanting to, anymore. If people don't want to hang out or text me, then it's also their loss. I don't believe it, of course, but I will act as if I did; that I am worth being friends with. In some abstract measure, I do believe it - I think I would have liked being my friend. But how I feel is very different - how I feel is like I am a charity case - that people roll their eyes and tolerate me. But I'm gonna try to be dellusional for a while - try to genuinely believe I am irreplacable. I know it's dellusional, but I think I need this, right now.

My flatmate in London used to say: 'You gotta make yourself rare.', like don't go around chasing people, make yourself unavailable. I think about it a lot and I am not sure what to make of it. In part, I wish I could just be honest and natural, not overthink everything. But I am so insecoooor.

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(no subject)

Apr. 10th, 2019 | 02:43 pm

I feel sadness when I see Reid. The way things ended sorta sucked. The emotions have subsided a lot, but I still feel sad and hurt, I think. I feel silly - for having seen things the way I saw them. I was naive. I saw a guy who was hurt and didn't know quite well how to love or handle his emotions, but he was just a guy who didn't love me.

Sorry I am writing it here, but I need to write it somewhere, and accept that this is how I feel.

I hope I am unphased. I felt so many negative things surrounding our relationship, and often, the happiness I got out of it was, I think, in part because of how sad I felt because of him. It reminds me of this cartoon of this dog sat in a room that is bursting into flames - This is fine. Maybe I will learn once and for all this time - if it's too complicated, it's not gonna be a pleasant thing.

I think I need to figure out how to stop hating myself so much and demand more from others. It's so hard, though. I wonder if everyone else feels this way as well, and they are just stronger than me. I feel useless a lot. Not like, workwise, but just, if I disappeared it wouldn't quite matter. It wouldn't matter for me, it wouldn't matter for others.

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How well do you know yourself?

Apr. 9th, 2019 | 04:44 pm

I keep wondering this about me - there are many things which are very counter intuitive for me. It's really terrible, not know yourself enough to know when to eat, sleep, say not.

Recently at the bar, I exposed my pseudo theory of independence of events when it comes to dating people (any other human interactions, really) e.g. that in principle, just because X_1 cheated on you, doesn't mean all further X_i, i>1 will cheat on you, but that it's not truly independent because you have your own sampling function, which IS biased to choose for a particular set of characteristics.

For example, I choose always nerdy mathematicians/physicists. Not only that, I choose those who pay the least attention to me, because you know, I tell myself I'm not worthy of love, so whoever decides to pay attention to me is clearly a fucking dumbass that got tricked into my manipulation scheme.

Lately (read, two days ago), I have been trying to tune my sampling function. It's a mix of thinking a lot and also figuring out that it's really uncomfortable to be rejected (WOW, INSIGHT). It's very much not labelling the guy who seems interested as a guillible fuck, but as a nice human being. It also has to do with the fact that I start thinking I'm actually not that bad, after all.

Wow, newly discovered self confidence, what is this?????

Lately, I think I am quite alright. I have accepted I will never be beautiful, thin, ultra smart, amazingly socially versed or deeply insightful. I will never be the type of person others will immediately REALLY want to fuck. But I can be quite ok, quite smart, quite rational, quite open, quite good hearted and I do think I am quite funny, like, I am quite a good individual in the sense of averages.

I think that's strongest attribute is to be witty/funny, like, quick with my tongue, to be able to make people laugh and have a decent time.

I am a bit like this older guy I know. He's quite good looking, quite smart, quite rational but short for a man in our enviroment, so he has this huge, loud, amusing personality - the center of attention in a dinner party - the guy who makes everyone laugh, the one that makes people have a good time. I think I became the way I am right now because of something similar - as a compensation to the lack of self-confidence or self-love, I gotta make sure I seem amused as fuck, jolly, beyond the usual criteria of hot, pretty, fuckable.

I don't know where I am going with this. The weather turned poor again and I feel sad. But things have been alright. I'm even considering stopping smoking.

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(no subject)

Mar. 21st, 2019 | 12:08 pm

I am often chasing after people. It's like I am often taken as some sort of source of comfort for others, but it feels lately that I am taking care of people while drowning further and further into my own shit. I can't help but to put up a stone face and being very unable to ask for help.

F asked me, why do you keep going for the same people? Don't you want someone brilliant (apparently this translates to something sensible in Italian), an alpha guy who actually appreciates and wants to do things for you?

Reid says he cares about me, that it's obvious for him that he does, but I am tired of this theoretical description. If it often feels like he doesn't, then maybe it's just not enough for me. He apologized for making me feel bad. Like, it's not your fault, we just speak different languages. I have to admit, I have been avoiding him this last week - I have been in the math office... I am stressed about work and seeing his face does not help. And I don't know, I am finally tired of this shit. It's clear that he feels something, but seriously, it's not my job to convince him of his feelings.

The suicidal thoughts are back. If you say it once, people might get concerned - if you say it as often as it happens, it's probably safe to assume it's a cyclical thing you won't act upon. Maybe, I am indeed a fraud. Maybe it's all just a meme. ~Lol ran out of cheese, wanna kill myself lol.~ I was texting a friend of mine and eventually I mentioned I have been feeling quite depressed and borderline suicidal (full blown BUT OK LOL) and he stopped replying straight away - a bit awkward, but understandable. It's nobody else's problem. In my database of friends, he gets minus points, like when you make your sims try to hug another sims but they reject it.

If people knew, how desperate and easy I am. F says I am intimidating, too cool, that guys think I'm not open for them. Mate, I'd marry a racoon if it gave me some affection, if it made me feel less lost in the eternal void of loneliness.

But I'm almost done with a paper - woop woop, see, I exist!

P.s. In addition to chasing after friends and boys, I also have to chase after my advisor who don't give a fuuuuuck about my work. Fuck this! Argh!

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