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Jul. 26th, 2018 | 07:38 am

If for some reason you found yourself here, know that anything you find here was written in real time, with a context and a mood.

Είστε ένα από τα λίγα φώτα στη ζωή μου αυτή τη στιγμή και εσείς είστε σημαντικό για μένα. Με κάποιο τρόπο, σε αγαπώ. Αλλά αυτό δεν σημαίνει ότι περιμένω το ίδιο από εσάς. Εφόσον είμαστε τόσο σεβασμό και αλήθεια, αυτό είναι αρκετό για μένα.

Hope it’s not lost in translation.

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Pushing through

Apr. 12th, 2019 | 12:28 pm

I have been telling myself these days that it's time to let go. I am tired of being the person trying so hard for things which don't bring me pleasure.

But I am happy I try hard - like just now, I insisted with a professor to get a visitation and now we are converging to a good proposal, and hopefully a sucessful application. Like, I try hard with my publications, I write them without people asking me to, I start doing research in topics I find interesting and I push through the literature, I push hard, I try. I push through conferences, through organizing events, doing stuff that in the end I am happy I did, although it was tiring and stressful as fuck - and this is all worth it. I am happy I try to stand up and be active, try to define my way.

But with other things, I am really not good. Like mental health, I give up very quickly. This is something I should push through. I emailed some psychiatrists and I have to say, Zurich is quite shitty for this. Nobody replies, or if they do, they are often fully booked and don't offer much of a choice. It quite sucks. The university service has also ignored my attempt to reschedule the hour they proposed for me. But ok, I will try. I will push through, given them a call. Pills don't work? Well, maybe I try different ones, this time. Gotta push through, get this mental shit sorted.

And lastly, I push through people as well. But right now, I find myself not wanting to, anymore. If people don't want to hang out or text me, then it's also their loss. I don't believe it, of course, but I will act as if I did; that I am worth being friends with. In some abstract measure, I do believe it - I think I would have liked being my friend. But how I feel is very different - how I feel is like I am a charity case - that people roll their eyes and tolerate me. But I'm gonna try to be dellusional for a while - try to genuinely believe I am irreplacable. I know it's dellusional, but I think I need this, right now.

My flatmate in London used to say: 'You gotta make yourself rare.', like don't go around chasing people, make yourself unavailable. I think about it a lot and I am not sure what to make of it. In part, I wish I could just be honest and natural, not overthink everything. But I am so insecoooor.

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(no subject)

Apr. 10th, 2019 | 02:43 pm

I feel sadness when I see Reid. The way things ended sorta sucked. The emotions have subsided a lot, but I still feel sad and hurt, I think. I feel silly - for having seen things the way I saw them. I was naive. I saw a guy who was hurt and didn't know quite well how to love or handle his emotions, but he was just a guy who didn't love me.

Sorry I am writing it here, but I need to write it somewhere, and accept that this is how I feel.

I hope I am unphased. I felt so many negative things surrounding our relationship, and often, the happiness I got out of it was, I think, in part because of how sad I felt because of him. It reminds me of this cartoon of this dog sat in a room that is bursting into flames - This is fine. Maybe I will learn once and for all this time - if it's too complicated, it's not gonna be a pleasant thing.

I think I need to figure out how to stop hating myself so much and demand more from others. It's so hard, though. I wonder if everyone else feels this way as well, and they are just stronger than me. I feel useless a lot. Not like, workwise, but just, if I disappeared it wouldn't quite matter. It wouldn't matter for me, it wouldn't matter for others.

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How well do you know yourself?

Apr. 9th, 2019 | 04:44 pm

I keep wondering this about me - there are many things which are very counter intuitive for me. It's really terrible, not know yourself enough to know when to eat, sleep, say not.

Recently at the bar, I exposed my pseudo theory of independence of events when it comes to dating people (any other human interactions, really) e.g. that in principle, just because X_1 cheated on you, doesn't mean all further X_i, i>1 will cheat on you, but that it's not truly independent because you have your own sampling function, which IS biased to choose for a particular set of characteristics.

For example, I choose always nerdy mathematicians/physicists. Not only that, I choose those who pay the least attention to me, because you know, I tell myself I'm not worthy of love, so whoever decides to pay attention to me is clearly a fucking dumbass that got tricked into my manipulation scheme.

Lately (read, two days ago), I have been trying to tune my sampling function. It's a mix of thinking a lot and also figuring out that it's really uncomfortable to be rejected (WOW, INSIGHT). It's very much not labelling the guy who seems interested as a guillible fuck, but as a nice human being. It also has to do with the fact that I start thinking I'm actually not that bad, after all.

Wow, newly discovered self confidence, what is this?????

Lately, I think I am quite alright. I have accepted I will never be beautiful, thin, ultra smart, amazingly socially versed or deeply insightful. I will never be the type of person others will immediately REALLY want to fuck. But I can be quite ok, quite smart, quite rational, quite open, quite good hearted and I do think I am quite funny, like, I am quite a good individual in the sense of averages.

I think that's strongest attribute is to be witty/funny, like, quick with my tongue, to be able to make people laugh and have a decent time.

I am a bit like this older guy I know. He's quite good looking, quite smart, quite rational but short for a man in our enviroment, so he has this huge, loud, amusing personality - the center of attention in a dinner party - the guy who makes everyone laugh, the one that makes people have a good time. I think I became the way I am right now because of something similar - as a compensation to the lack of self-confidence or self-love, I gotta make sure I seem amused as fuck, jolly, beyond the usual criteria of hot, pretty, fuckable.

I don't know where I am going with this. The weather turned poor again and I feel sad. But things have been alright. I'm even considering stopping smoking.

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(no subject)

Mar. 21st, 2019 | 12:08 pm

I am often chasing after people. It's like I am often taken as some sort of source of comfort for others, but it feels lately that I am taking care of people while drowning further and further into my own shit. I can't help but to put up a stone face and being very unable to ask for help.

F asked me, why do you keep going for the same people? Don't you want someone brilliant (apparently this translates to something sensible in Italian), an alpha guy who actually appreciates and wants to do things for you?

Reid says he cares about me, that it's obvious for him that he does, but I am tired of this theoretical description. If it often feels like he doesn't, then maybe it's just not enough for me. He apologized for making me feel bad. Like, it's not your fault, we just speak different languages. I have to admit, I have been avoiding him this last week - I have been in the math office... I am stressed about work and seeing his face does not help. And I don't know, I am finally tired of this shit. It's clear that he feels something, but seriously, it's not my job to convince him of his feelings.

The suicidal thoughts are back. If you say it once, people might get concerned - if you say it as often as it happens, it's probably safe to assume it's a cyclical thing you won't act upon. Maybe, I am indeed a fraud. Maybe it's all just a meme. ~Lol ran out of cheese, wanna kill myself lol.~ I was texting a friend of mine and eventually I mentioned I have been feeling quite depressed and borderline suicidal (full blown BUT OK LOL) and he stopped replying straight away - a bit awkward, but understandable. It's nobody else's problem. In my database of friends, he gets minus points, like when you make your sims try to hug another sims but they reject it.

If people knew, how desperate and easy I am. F says I am intimidating, too cool, that guys think I'm not open for them. Mate, I'd marry a racoon if it gave me some affection, if it made me feel less lost in the eternal void of loneliness.

But I'm almost done with a paper - woop woop, see, I exist!

P.s. In addition to chasing after friends and boys, I also have to chase after my advisor who don't give a fuuuuuck about my work. Fuck this! Argh!

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(no subject)

Feb. 12th, 2019 | 07:36 pm

I started wondering the other day if you can develop late life autism. I didn’t particularly hit much better at math but oh how much I lost in human points .

I have this voice in my head that just doesn’t stop. It’s my voice don’t worry, but you know what I mean, I guess people call it overthinking.

If you have a child - do your best to love them. Don’t stifle their creativity. Don’t make them feel like they don’t deserve the space they take but at the same time, don’t make them feel like they deserve more space than they take as well..

If you have good people in your life, love them. But the right way, don’t make them feel bad, don’t make them feel like they are not able to achieve things, don't make them feel like they are not enough. If they are not enough for you, then you don't love them. You should let them go. Nobody is better off with someone who half heartedly loves them than alone.

We are all children still. Like tall ass, fatass, drunkass children, in some way.

Despite who you are; there some things you most likely feel, eventually:
- the love of your life will leave you
- your parents will die
- one of your close friends will get cancer
- you will fail to get that thing you really want
- you will be in a room full of people, and still feel as alone as humanly possible
- you will realize your life doesn’t objectively matter
- most your dreams and aspirations will not come true
- you will hurt someone you really care about really badly and there's nothing you can do about it except accepting it
- and lastly, you will die

To the core we are single, individual entities and we are alone. And your tragedy is your own no matter what. Regardless of the body suit you wear, there is still tragedy. And yes, society has been benevolent in some biased, arbitrary way, to certain groups of people in the past (and still nowadays) who had a particular body suit, but everyone's experience is unique and I don’t think minimizing someone’s pain is the way to foster understanding between people.

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random people you meet

Jan. 25th, 2019 | 05:42 pm

There was this time I met a guy in a club. The story is, in fact, a pretty amusing one. For some reason, well the reason was that my friend invited me to a party, I ended up in some after party in some posh club in Zurich, full of bankers, consultants and all around rich foreign folk. I was there with a good friend of mine, who happens to be a banker, but who is also a nerdy kid and for the entirety of our friendship, I never perceived him as a douche. Some of his friends though, were quite douchy.

In particular, this girl who dragged us into this club, because the love of her life, read, the guy she spotted at the first party, whom she never spoke to and who just happened to look a bit like a swedish version of pattrick bateman, had gone to the club.

So, there we were, in the dance floor where not many people were dancing, looking around to find the guy. Sure enough, the guy and his mates were in some booth with champagne. So, ok, lady, go talk to him? Nop, that's not how it works, she told me, you don't just walk up to someone, you dance around and hope to catch their eye, such that they come to you.

Ok.

Some poppy stuff kept pumping out from the, what I assume, expensive speakers, and we kept sorta dancing, not too much because it's weird to be too much into it - people will think you're taking drugs or too drunk.

Anyway, I noticed one of the guys in the booth was heading out for a smoke, so I followed the guy, why not, let's get the guy to invite us to the booth. He was this older indian looking man. We followed the two smokers to the smoking area and managed to find a reason to light his cigarette. How easy it is to talk to people you don't care about, right?

Turns out wearing a dress makes people think I am somewhat interesting. It was quite great, the guy ended up asking whether he could invite us to join their booth. AH YEA, SUCESS. So while this girl was discovering that patrick bateman was an extremely boring good looking man, I ended up chatting with this indian guy. He said he was some manager at some consultancy, his friend confirmed, he was his boss. Mostly, we talked about physics, and how his friend has some nuclear energy something start up. But at some point, he said something which I keep going back to.

He said he was impressed to be having these conversations in a shitty club, that I was quite an intense and interesting person. But that I should be careful - my downfall will be men. Be careful. Loving men will fuck you up. You'll get heartbroken, you'll give up your ambitions, you'll keep chasing after men and most men don't want someone like you.

Most men don't want someone like me. Most men don't want someone like me. Most men don't want someone like me. Most men don't want someone like me. Most men don't want someone like me.

And I keep being reminded of this. And it really does hurt, that I can't be anyone else. I really wish I could be someone else. Someone a bit less unlovable. Someone who has the right flaws.

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(no subject)

Jan. 17th, 2019 | 04:49 pm

In sequence of what I wrote before, I spoke to Reid. I told him how I felt (that I am in love with him and I think of a future where he's part of it) and he said he knows how I feel and he's glad we are talking about this. He can't match me at this level though. For him, he likes spending time with me, he thinks I am one of his closest friends, but he can't see himself being in a real relationship right now (although he feels a lot better and more willing than when we started), moreover, at the cost of me risking my future in pursuit of something he doesn't if he will ever be able to provide. He doesn't know if he loves me, he does not love me. He said he thinks about me, he cares about me, he thinks about the chance of losing me and it makes him quite sad that he'd be losing something nice, but it doesn't make him crazy with fear, so that means he is not in love with me. He thinks things between us work extremely well right now, and he's quite happy with seeing me once a week, he doesn't mind seeing me more but at the same time, he doesn't feel the need to see me more, outside of the times we hang out alone and at work/after work drinks. It's been a year and he says that he doesn't know about whether he will ever be able to feel the same as me, his mind has been occupied with a lot of his own struggles (family, work, his own sanity, etc...) and he's factoring this in to figure out whether it might be why he isn't yet obsessed with me, he doesn't know but there's a chance he will never get to this stage, with me.

It was a very calm conversation. I felt quite sad afterwards because things between us clearly have been getting more chilled and natural.

I asked him so what now, and he said it's my call. I said I hope this is not the last time I see him, and he said me neither. I asked him what he would do in this situation, because apparently he has been in a situation like this before, and he said he would probably continue seeing the person, but in his case, the circumstances didn't allow it. I asked him what happens if you find someone else, and he said it's highly unlikely that it would happen but it's not a probability zero thing. He still wants to keep seeing me but he asked me to take some time to think about what he told me. He asked me if this was the first time I did something like this, whatever this is, and I told him I usually break it off after a few months because it's too boring/too much time investment for someone I don't care about. He asked me to talk next week, or after whatever time I need to process this.

So I am thinking a lot about my feelings towards him and what to do. I came to a few conclusions which i think are important:
- my whole life has been about optimizing my CV and it has lead me to here, with a nice CV, very employable and a mental state where I am extremely miserable, lonely and suicidal
- in times of uncertainty, i clinged to something that i hoped would become certain. I honestly don't know if I can survive moving to a new country again after the PhD, restart and hope things work out, before moving back to Europe in 2 years. I think, if he would be willing, it would be an easy way to escape the faith of pursuing an academic career, in the name of love.
- i feel very lonely
- he's a person, and of course i like him, he's smart, good looking and complicated enough. he has a similar upbringing to mine.
- there are flaws about him, but so far i have accepted them
- he's a good foundation for something, but both people need to be willing to fall in love, or whatever, and his life's a mess right now - it might get better, but it will be after I leave zurich (most likely) and I don't want to wait until then.
- i was probably dishonest (unaware of my own feelings) saying that i could jump out of academia for him, I don't know if he had said "yes!", honestly, whether I would have gone through with it.
- I shouldn't have intentions to change his mind
- I don't need to be with him to be happy - most likely, I would not be that happy with him once all these hormones and feelings settle down. he needs someone to take care of him and I think I need someone to take care of me.
- this whole thing with him added a sense of normality to my life which i very much appreciate. the dumb shit of getting ready for a date, dressing up, cooking a nice meal, going out to eat, sharing a bed with someone. these are nice things.


Anyway, i'm giving myself a few weeks before chatting to him again about what we're gonna do. Maybe by the time I reach a decision, he has already forgotten about me or moved on, and then that will make it easier, anyway. I'm going to Paris this weekend, Lausanne next weekend. I called my psychiatrist to get a professional opinion.

I think I am doing what I ought to do to process whatever has been going on for a year. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me, in a way, though. One of my big fears was that he felt things for me but was scared of getting hurt/didn't know how to communicate them, and I would push him away by being my usual myself - being quite rational and cold, closed off, hanging out with other guys, talking about how awesome it's gonna be to go to the US. There's still a chance this is the case, but to be honest I can't care about it, I gave him a very direct and honest road, if he wanted to take it, but he didn't, then it's a pity, but that's on him and I don't feel guilty anymore, there's nothing else I could have done, as far as I am concerned.

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a long post

Jan. 8th, 2019 | 05:08 pm

I feel pretty lost these last months (years?). It's like my cognitive and emotional priorities drift further and further away from each other. A friend recently posted this article about Millenials being burned out. (https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/annehelenpetersen/millennials-burnout-generation-debt-work)

"Things that should’ve felt good (leisure, not working) felt bad because I felt guilty for not working; things that should’ve felt “bad” (working all the time) felt good because I was doing what I thought I should and needed to be doing in order to succeed."

This describes very well how I have been operating.

It's not that I am lost 100%. I am fairly sure I want to do mathematics/science, or at least research. I'm fairly sure I know which industries or places to apply and what to work on.

It's more like I feel like non-professionally, I am so lost. Lately, I have been thinking about several things, one being what makes me happy. I honestly don't know at this point. The joy of solving a problem is very much fleeting and comes with so much built up stress, that it's more like an orgasm than something that carries over the day. Don't get me wrong, it feels really fucking great to solve something - but it lasts about 15 seconds. And then I'm back to getting buttfucked by the next problem. (I don't care, I think this is a rather fitting analogy...).

Or for example, I'm pretty social so I like hanging out with people but it doesn't feel the same. Once I am on my way back to my flat, I can't shake the feeling that I'm alone, it's like I stop existing. Seeing the guy makes me happy even if it comes with a lot of uncertainty and guess work with respect to his feelings. I think this is why I am so inert when it comes to trying to change the uncertainty. Something is better than nothing, and I really feel like I can't deal with more sadness right now, so I prefer to postpone it.

When I think about what I could try to change to feel better, I have no idea. If a genie popped by and went, 'Yo tell me what you want to be happy and I'll grant it for you', I wouldn't be able to respond. But right now, I feel I would be tempted to say emotional comfort, (which is a very vague and completely useless answer because it doesn't give me any concrete actions to try to achieve this), rather than a professorship in Courant or a Fields medal.

Can you imagine a life where you feel happy? Is it easy for you? I really can't right now and it's strange that I have lived my life for so long without having a good answer for this. The first thing that pops in my head is a mundane kitchen, sunshine outside, a partner, a family. But I think it's an overcorrection - because this lonely existence has been going on for quite a while. t's a haunting thing, to feel like if you ever fall down, you have to be the one picking yourself up at all times.

It's weird and bipolar that I talk myself both into and out of dangerous behaviours, like "take enough to pass out but not enough to regret it". But like, actually, that's life man. Everyone's going to be alone at some point. You know, after I got stitched up at the hospital in the UK, I went back to the library, passed my exams and started my internship. I didn't tell anyone, I didn't call home, it didn't feel necessary. But now, suddenly, there's this lameass need to tell people things are difficult, and that I might not be able to continously talk myself out of dangerous behaviours. Is it that I somehow think life's more worth living now than I used to? I have no idea. Or maybe I bought into this whole thing of pursuing happiness a little more than I should have. Did I become a fucking hippy that expects life to be nice and cuddly? :D

By the way, I have many great friends. It's my own fucking ego that I do things alone rather than asking for help.

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Do shit with intent

Jan. 4th, 2019 | 02:43 pm

I'm gonna be brief because I can't really be bothered to polish this up. But the key point here is, at some point you gotta do shit with intent. Like, properly, focused intent, in everything. By the time you reach your late twenties, hopefully, you will have adquired a good amount of different skills, interests, friends, etc.

Time is a finite thing, and opportunities go for those who try the hardest, or less often (less enough for you to not bank on it), for those who are lucky. Most things take some effort. Like, you can hang out with the people you see everyday, and that's pretty low effort, but the reality is that you probably have many more friends outside of your everyday vision field, and in order to keep those alive, you gotta try a bit harder. You gotta plan, innit? Same shit goes to girlfriends/boyfriends. The idea that things should just work out without putting any effort is, at best, a bit lazy, at worst, completely sabotaging whatever the crap you're trying to get. If things aren't easy, it's not really a sign that things aren't meant to be, it's a sign that you're both complicated, annoying humans, like everyone else. Now, work and hobbies. Sure you can do a lot of different stuff and everything's interesting, but if you wanna have a chance at getting good (very good), you gotta focus your efforts on a few things.

What I'm trying to say is that, I guess, as I am on my late twenties, I think about the switch point, where exploitation gains more weight than exploration. Is this true? Ayman, dunno.

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